Take Me to Oblivion

Wow.

I just watched what is quite probably the worst film I have ever seen. Ever. In my entire life.

Seriously.

It’s called The Sands of Oblivion, and it may well be one of the most aptly titled films of all time, for oblivion is exactly where this stinker belongs. I found it in the five-dollar bin at Wal-Mart, and I now realize that I paid about four-dollars-and-ninety-seven-cents too much.

But, to be kind, let’s call it an educational film. It’s a very clear and pointed lesson in how not to write a script, how not to direct, how not to do CGI, and how not to let really lame, rip-off ideas find their way into production.

It was that bad.

But for the serious connoisseur of cheese, this film has everything: A hokey synthesizer score, a godawful “historical” prologue that looks like an Egyptian exhibit from some twisted, alternate-reality Disneyland, a gratuitious scene of a co-ed in her panties frolicking with one of the main characters (easily the best part of the film), a guy getting decaptitated by a front-end loader (I kid you not), a death approximately every five minutes, a dessicated horse’s head on a human body that’s supposed to pass for the returned-from-beyond-ancient-Egyptian-god-bent-on-fiery-vengeance, a sherriff with a haircut that looks like the bastard offspring of Lyle Lovett and J. Jonah Jameson, an old guy with a really bad English accent (John Aniston, if you can believe it, Jennifer’s father), Homer Simpson as Cecil B. DeMille, a really lame CGI snake that turns into really lame CGI swirls of sand, a redneck in the desert with a stockpile of weapons, and a dune buggy chase.

Okay, the dune buggy chase was actually kinda cool.

I’m sure I’ve missed a few choice items. After all, this was a veritable all-you-can-eat buffet of pathetic missteps and fumbles. I’d have to watch it again to see if I forgot any choice, cheesey morsels, but… well… you know… that just ain’t gonna happen.

I think the only thing missing from this train wreck is a lesbian love scene. But I wouldn’t have even thought of that if it hadn’t been for this one moment where… well, I actually kinda got my hopes up.

This ridiculous waste of everyone’s time was a “Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie”, a label I shall now forever hold in the same regard as the yellow-and-black “radioactive waste” symbol, and one I will be just as assiduous in avoiding. Believe me, it’s just not worth it.

I should have dropped the DVD like a hot potato as soon as I saw that George Kennedy was in it.

Ah, George Kennedy. The ham on our cheese. The man has had an amazing, diverse career. He’s been in more TV shows and movies than most actors can shake the proverbial stick at. The man has credentials.

Unfortunately, those credentials were confiscated about five minutes after Airport ’79: The Concorde hit theatres. I just mention this in passing. I’m not going into details. It’s not worth the trauma.

But now for the really bad news.

The Sands of Oblivion (I can only hear those words spoken by a soap opera announcer) actually has some good actors in it. And why is that bad news, you ask? Because, I reply, in this thing, you’d never know they were good actors.

Okay, I’ll just spit it out: Morena Baccarin and Adam Baldwin.

That was mildly traumatic. Give me a second here.

Deep breath.

I’m a huge fan of Firefly. It’s probably one of the best TV series ever produced. It’s just plain, all-around, science-fictiony goodness. And Morena and Adam each bring their own unique brand of awesomeness to the mix.

(pleasant memory… pleasant memory… pleasant memory…)

But even these two couldn’t do anything with the lines they were given. I would challenge even George Frickin’ Clooney to do anything with the lines in this turdball of a script. Hokey is hokey, and if it’s writ hokey, it’s gonna play hokey. No way around it.

But there’s also something to be said for direction. Or maybe not. Maybe in this case there’s actually nothing to be said for direction. Because it doesn’t look to me like director David Flores gave anybody any.

Now, I’ve never seen any other films directed by Mr. Flores, but let’s just have a look at the titles of some of his other oeuvres:

Boa vs. Python (shall I just stop right there?), Crimson Force, S.S. Doomtrooper, First Howl, Hyper Sonic … just to name a few. I think we all get the picture.

Wow.

But you know, even with all the immensity of badness, the sheer and vast numbers of cringe-worthy moments, two things stick out in my mind: The Sherriff with the Lyle Lovett/J. Jonah Jameson haircut and Dan Castellenata (Homer Simpson) as Cecil B. DeMille.

Jeff Manzanares, as the sherriff, was only in about three or four scenes, but his performance was so abysmal that it will remain forever etched into a part of my brain that I thankfully don’t use very much. And Dan/Homer as DeMille, well, he was just wooden and awful. Again with the good actors giving lame-ass performances. How can this be?

Oh, right. The direction.

I must wind this down now, lest the bile I’m spewing forth begin to corrode my monitor. I had to write this immediately upon finishing my viewing, because this kind of rottenness is best served fresh.

Wow.

I’m literally agog at how monumentally bad this flick was. It makes me long for the days when I sat in the balcony of the Oxford Theatre watching Angels and Demons.

I just hope Blockbuster will give me a couple of bucks credit for this thing.

Don’t forget to leave the light on. Otherwise the dessicated horse guy with the Egyptian hood might get you.

–Eric